Okay, Wizards, I have to give you props on the seminally popular, and extremely geeky, line of Dungeons & Dragons-related sodas that are released in conjunction with Jones Soda. I have had some “Potion of Healing” and “Dwarven Drought” and both are delicious. But, let’s face it guys, the price for these delightfully dorky sugar-drinks is a bit stout, and if I am going to drop some major dough on liquid refreshment, I want to at least feel it in the morning. Thus, Wizards of the Coast, I give to you . . . D&D themed adult beverages!
Now, don’t start saying silly things like “We only know how to write books and publish editions of games way more often than is necessary! We don’t anything about brewing or distilling.” Never you fear, oh wise Wizards, that’s what a licensing agreement is for. After all, you guys didn’t make your own soda, did you? Of course not; you contracted with an already well-established yummy-drink company to make it for you and then slapped on the appropriate label. What I am suggesting is pretty much the same thing, just a lot more fun at parties.
“What will we call these drinks?” I am so glad that you asked. Just so happens that I have a couple of suggestions for you to put in the old brain box:
Number One: Dwarven Ale. Admittedly, this is a lot like the “Dwarven Draught” name for the afore-mentioned soda, but something Dwarf-related is going to be the first thing that real men like myself (stop snickering) are going to look for. This should be a a high gravity beer or some other beer with a high alcohol content. This drink should kick you in the teeth and leave you with a bit more facial hair than you started with.
Number Two: Elven Wine. Pink colored, sweet and made for wussies. Maybe a white zinfindel or something? I don’t know. Whatever would appeal to people who are too scared to drink something else.
Number Three: Orc Homebrew. Grain alcohol. Something with the potential to either be imbibed or used as an engine cleaner. Think white-lightening or everclear. One drink and you are on the floor because that is where Orcs sleep. On the floor. Consequently, that is also where they poop, so be careful.
Number Four: Halfling Hops. Another beer? Yes, another beer because beer is the best drink ever. Don’t agree? Go drink some Elven Wine. Anyway, this would be a slightly lighter beverage than the Dwarven Ale, but of course, full of hops. Maybe something like Sweet Water 420 or Terrapin’s Hopsexcutioner.
That’s probably enough to get the Wizards started. Now I have to get myself a drink. Cheers!